Friendship Breakups: A snippet of what once was

Artwork By: Muskaan Rudhra

Hey, this one is for anyone who has ever felt the loss of a friend, or more accurately, experienced a full-on friendship break-up. It’s a snippet of what once was, but ultimately showing the reality of what is now, and of what could have been but never did. Enjoy! 

If I think about you too much, I start to tear up. 

Not because of what we had, but because of what we didn’t. 

Not because of what you did, but because of what you couldn’t. 

Not because of who you were with me, but because of who you were without and with others. 

Your name used to be attached to mine in every sentence. Inseparable by choice. 

For each anxious and stress filled thought that I had, you would balance it out and say the exact right thing; the yin to my yang. 

I see the same story that we had replaying with others. Resenting you the whole time as I watch because I don't think I can ever trust like that again.  

You broke something in me. 

Now, instead of looking with wonder, I scan for flaws in the next person.

Always wary; never loving with an open heart. 

Not like I used to. 

It’s odd not having you be the first person I call with news, gossip, or just sheer boredom. One day, your absence became the default. I knew adulting would bring distance, but I never expected your betrayal. 

When I tried to get things back to the way we used to be, you made me feel worthless. 

And suddenly, all the memories, photos, jokes—all of it became tainted. 

We never did get to see each other graduate. 

Never will get to become each other's maids of honor. 

Nor go on family vacations, lying on the beach, while our husbands take care of the kids. 

You said we would…

You promised. 

Who will you do all that with now? 

For had I known about what was to come, I would have cherished the last times we were together for longer. Held you tighter, perhaps. Laughed harder at the way you giggled, rather than the joke itself. Cried to you one last time, just to hear your ridiculous advice that would never work if taken seriously. Definitely would have wanted one last adventure. 

Our story came to an abrupt end, and with it, many milestones that I knew in my heart we would share slowly started passing by without your presence. For each one, so did my memory of you, and the only one I blame is unrecognizable to me. 

The saddest part? Having to tell the most important people in my life, my future, and say you were just a passing figure in it. Rather, we both planned for you to be right beside me, explaining it all with me. 

You just couldn’t listen. You made it like this. 

You were always the one that just got it, that understood no matter what the situation was. 

I hate that you stopped understanding. I hate you for everything that you are, and for everything that you have done, and even for everything that you will become. And I don’t mean it in the secretly-still-love-you or miss-you kind of way. No. I mean it in the most spiteful, seething hateful way. I hate you. 

Now, you’re just someone I used to know.

When I thought you'd be someone I’d know forever.

I thought you'd be in my whole story.

But you were just a lesson along the way.

One I wish I could forget, and I think one day I will, but even that brings no comfort. 

Truly there are no words for what we once had. And for what you did to me, I hope you never find something like it again. 

You don’t deserve it. 

If you are reading this, then… 

I hope you understand. 

xoxo, 

Khushi Kumari